Author Archives: Smoph

A steam clock stop

20130802-20130802-IMG_1638It was a quiet little street, until shortly before the clock was to strike the hour. People would be begin to gather, collecting in little pockets, creating eddies and disrupting the flow of traffic. Someone would dart across to the clock, caressing its brass casings lovingly, before posing so that a photograph would be taken. Some would climb to get a better look at the twisting balls that were the clock mechanics, this one here dropping to mark the minutes. Others would look to the lovingly hand-crafted face, at the delicate petals of flowers about the dial.

The loud explanations of the homeless guide drew in others as he went through the motions of explaining the steam clock and directing people to the steam vents; his voice lured those on the fringes, those curious to see what the fuss was about.

All around the clock, they would build, this solid wall of admirers. Excitement builds in them, flowing out, infecting the people around them. Like little lemmings, they stand at the foot of the clock, gathering to worship at the altar of beauty. Hopeful faces would turn upwards, looking to capture the first steam-powered movements of the whistles.

Around the corner, dressed in what once was finery but now bore the tell-tale fringing of wear, a man in vest and unravelling bow-tie waits, watching the deepening colours of the gathering energy cloud with puffy eyes. His hair is streaked with grey and unkempt, as if he has been sleeping rough for many days. He focuses on the guide in his shabby, lurid orange safety vest; his jumping about lighting up the cloud with flares of energy. The man watches, one hand restlessly fiddling with the handkerchief in his waistcoat pocket, the folded tip no longer stiff and fresh.

He waits for the swirling energy to peak, the strike is but seconds away now, the crowd waiting with baited breath of the first whistling note. At the first larger swirl of steam, the man whirls into action.

Moving faster than the eye can see, he whisks through the crowd, weaving between the clusters, gathering the glowing golden energy in his ballooning handkerchief, stuffing it in handfuls into his mouth. He leaves only as much as he can spare to keep the clock ticking and to time. He is not greedy and knows that next time he comes, it will be better if the clock chimes on the hour.

As the Westminster Quarters issue from the clock, the man walks away, his hair curling softly and glowing gold in the sunshine, his eyes bright and clear. His whole attire is immaculate and looks brand new, while a little old-fashioned. Under his arm, a large handkerchief is tied in a bundle which squirms noticeably.

A small child, holding onto her mummy’s neck notices and opens her mouth in a perfectly astonished O. The man winks at her, tucking his bundle more tightly under his arm, stealing away with the glut of energy that will fill him for days.

He muses as he walks away, that maybe he will stay in Vancouver for a while. After all, he hasn’t dined like this for many centuries, on a food so pure. He smiles. Perhaps the quiet life is the one for this energy eater.

Baby mama

There she was so tiny and perfect in my arms. Little puckering rosebud mouth, tiny little sucking movements as she moved towards my swollen chest. She had the tiniest dark fuzz on her head. That was from my family’s side. We’d yet to see her eyes but I guessed they’d be dark too.

Gently, I rocked her in my arms. The nurse should not have given her to me, but then she didn’t know better. She could never have known this was never meant to happen, this bonding experience unique to mother and child. She was born of me, in my blood, but she couldn’t be mine. We’d agreed. I just had never known how excruciating the sacrifice would be.

It was then that they walked in. Her parents. My sister, that wasn’t born that way, and her wife. They were to be my baby’s parents. I looked up at Sarah with tears in my eyes.

“They gave her to me,” I said, tears welling in my eyes.

Sarah just looked at me, the expression part betrayed and part pitying. She’d been with me when my two babies were born. She knew my mothering instinct was strong and fierce. Hell, I’d almost beaten up a kid twice my size who picked on her when we were kids. I was a mother hen, and proud of it. She knew the torture I was going through.

It was Penny who surprised me. Gently she stepped in beside me and wrapped her arms around me. She didn’t try to take the baby.

Quietly she said, “This must be the luckiest little girl in the world. Not only does she have lots of people who love her without having met her, but she is one of the only little girls in the world with 3 mummies that love her. “

I began to cry, in that silent way, with big fat tears running down my cheeks. I shook with the emotions flooding through me. My sister Sarah, who I loved and who had been through so much, came and held me too.

I remembered the night that they’d asked me to be their surrogate. My kids had been playing quietly on the floor, and I wondered how I could possibly deny them so much joy. I remembered when Sarah was my little brother instead and how much children had loved her. I knew how Penny’s serious, quiet ways would balance out her impetuous nature. And how the government would not allow them a chance to be parents any other way. It was love that had made me say yes. And I could never have known how much joy it would bring us all.

Trembling, I handed her over. As one, they held her, their little family. They never let go of me as they held her. I was crying harder now, but it was the cathartic crying. I knew this little girl would be so loved, and I would always be a part of her life. I had given the most important gift I could ever give – motherhood.

House that preys

Where the sun rarely shone, the place where pigeons came to roost, in the shadow of the skyscrapers, was a small gothic church. The drab grey bricks were well maintained, white paint adorned the windowsills of the arched, stained-glass windows. The church liked the white. It was reminded of the large whites of their eyes when they finally surrendered.

During the week, outside the church, the workers came and sat. The warm air attracted them, the light and gardens, to eat their lunch in the peaceful surrounds. Quietly, it watched them gorge themselves, feeding on the energy their gluttony provided. Often, the people would look up, confused as to why they had eaten so much and still felt hungry.

On the weekends, the church had to take its pickings. Often the caretaker would pick up the carcasses of dead pigeons, wondering where they had come from. Pigeons were not a favourite, but they would do if no other sustenance was on offer. Weddings were an extremely tasty dish. All the envy of the bride in white, the unsurpressed longings of those about to commit to a lifetime of sex with one other. The church creaked, its low giggle, remembering all the askew skirts and dropped trousers of the brides and grooms, bared beneath it’s beams. Lust and adultery were… dellllicioussssssssssss

But the days where they filled its all, those righteous congregations, those were good. All of those sins, escaping, being thought about over and over… Mmmmm… Those were the days. It was ironic, the doors clattered with amused tones, that they often left more pious than they came.

Sometimes it remembered fondly the priests who had lived within its influence. How over time, it had sucked them dry of any evils. They mostly died after that, screaming in their sleep of demons. Too good for this world, the parishioners said.

Others were weak. Their minds were putty to be moulded by the church. The adulterers were fun, but wailed to much. The gluttons, fat and rotund, grew too lazy to be any fun. The building’s most tasty dish, one that made it shiver with delight, was the paedophiles. Forbidden and sexual, it forced the thoughts and the touch upon them. Many sickened, left, burning with what they’d done. For a select few, their delectable behavior they saw as normal, for they themselves had been through it in their orphanages and homes. These, the behavior they saw as normal, for they themselves had been through it in their orphanages and homes. These, the church fostered and cared for. Its absolute favourite.

Now, they thought to sell it. At first, the rumblings in the hall made it angry. Pieces of the church suddenly fell and injured the board members. Then one proposal caught its attention. A nightclub. The church practically leapt with glee. It concentrated its hardest. Slowly, when the vote came, the proposal was passed, to the confusion of the board. But that night, the church delighted. Soon, it would feast….

It’s about time

weekendwriter-11It was a lightbulb went on in my head. Here I was, 40, recently divorced and I felt like I still had so much life to live. What was I going to do?

I bought myself a ticket to skydive. My mother had a veritable heart attack. My best friend eyed me over her coffee cup and told me that it was not like me. But smiled as she said it.

I didn’t think about it until I was getting in the plane. A hand in, and a small comforting smile from my tandem jumper and I barely realised we were in the air. I felt locked up tight. All of my nerves twanged.

“Ready?” my companion yelled in my ear, and his face seemed strange and alien.

I must have nodded because then we were plummeting. I screamed. I swore. I flailed. Nothing I did changed our trajectory or the wind rushing against my face. Somewhere in those endless minutes I gave myself over to the universe.

My fate had been decided however. The ripchord was pulled and the parachute opened with a snap. We floated, over a little village with a fountain and small stone bridge. Paddocks with bemused cows passed beneath me.

Somewhere, my cries turned into whoops of excitement. As we landed at a run, I found myself face down in the field. As my harness was snapped up, and my legs stopped shaking long enough to let me stand, the adrenaline kicked in. I ran around the paddock like a crazy person, jumping and fist pumping in the air. The guys from the skydiving company just smirked at me – they knew how it made you feel.

Sitting across from my best friend, I explained how light I’d felt, how free. And that I wasn’t afraid of myself anymore.

She looked over at me, and in that wise old voice of hers said, “It’s about damn time.”

Falling again

It was a warm, soft evening beneath the apple trees. I could smell the apples ripening on their boughs. Overhead some shooting stars chased across the sky and made me smile.

I had your note crumpled in my pocket, with the love heart speared through with an arrow. It had the small map, with the arrow marking this exact tree I lay under. Not that I needed it, this had been our makeout tree for years.

I remembered the night I had rolled the dice with you, and swung my arms around your neck and laid one on you. Your lips had been tense beneath mine until you realised what it meant. And then we had been rolling in the fresh grass all evening and getting to know each other.

As I lay among the sweet smelling grass, I fingered the beads around my neck, clicking them together, like the sounds of an abacus, counting up the happy memories together. Remembering the slow burn of desire before we made love, the excrutiating flicker of lust as we took our time exploring each other.

I heard your footsteps crunching in the grass before I saw you, a dark outline against the night. A gleaming smile in the dark. You pulling me to my feet, holding my body against yours. We stand in silence, easy with each other, but the curiousity in me builds.

Stepping back a little, stroking my hair, you tell me how much you love me, and I feel something cool in my hand. My heart swells like a parachute in my chest and I could be flying with excitement as I look at the ring in my palm.

“Marry me,” you say, your voice hoarse.

As my lips meet yours, I hope that’s all you needed for an answer.

My masked man

The party ebbed and thrummed with the deep base drum music. Contorted faces swirled as people danced, in full masked regalia. Everywhere the finest clothes had been acquired for the ball, but the shoes were optional, and if you looked closely, you would see the swish of bare ankles as the ladies danced.

She moved through the crowd assuredly but gracefully, her figure clothed in the finest silk, dyed indigo blue, the trim blackest ink. Her mask was exquisite, looking as if the Ulysses butterfly had landed daintily upon her nose. Upon the warm coloured skin dripped amethysts tangled in shining white gold. The crowd stood back briefly admiring her as she flitted silently amongst them.

A man in a top hat dared to stop her with the crook of his cane, catching the gentle bend of her arm.

“Do not fly by so fast,” he breathed, looking into the chocolate brown eyes before him.

A sweet smile behind the mask left him confused as she moved on through the crowd. Quietly she took a seat at the fountain, her eyes alternately scanning the writhing bodies or the magestic castle turrets that overshadowed the dance. She waited patiently, still like a pond. Only her hands, gently arranging her skirts, showed her agitation.

Two hands lifted her to her feet. She allowed him this, as she allowed the whisper in her ear.

“Follow me, cherie.”

Without seeing him, she allowed herself to be led out of the courtyard, up winding turret stairs, to a room nestled right at the top. The warmth of a crackling fire greeted her, a four poster laid out in white, simple linens.

“Welcome home my darling.”

He turned her toward him, held her in his arms. She breathed him in, crushed against his chest. Her face rose to his, to see a golden god before her, his green eyes sparkling.

“Ra?” she enquired, raising her eyebrow.

“Well… I am the light of your life you keep saying.”

His smirk moved back to her mouth as his hands covered her body. He loosened her bodice, stripping her slowly as she returned the favour, removing a beetle that was a poor representation of a scarab. They stood naked, huddled together, before falling back passionately on the bed. Slowly, they explored each other, mouth and hand. As they climaxed, overhead fireworks spluttered into life.

“Happy elopement my sweet,” he mumbled, kissing her neck, slowly.

She smiled eloquently and fell back between the sheets with her new husband.

Kiss the sky

You had pushed me out with sad eyes and soft hands. I had become unbearable – I needed to be out there. In the world.

I was left without anywhere to turn, standing abandoned at the crossroads. Which way would I go? What had I done that measured up to my grand schemes?

…Nothing.

That was it! I had nothing left tying me here. I was going, leaving all I’d known.

19368_275749091137_658806137_5036581_869488_nThe plane took off and I felt panicked. I wanted off and I looked out the window. Through the oval shaped plastic, a rainbow shone in the mist, wreathed by the softest, whitest clouds. Somehow, I knew that I was kissing the sky and that it would all be alright.My heart burned with trepidation. I almost turned back a hundred times. But before I knew it, I had all my belongings in a pack and was standing awkwardly at the airport. I was boarding the plane when I saw you, your hands scarily pale against the glass, more than the glint of the reflection in your eye. I almost didn’t make it then but you nodded and I turned, choking back my own tears.

 

 

Importance

Once the ladder held 3
And I at the bottom
I did dream of being on top

Others slipped
Discarded 
And I ascendent, rose

But another usurped
And I tumbled 
Out of heaven

An angel without wings
Naively my heart broke
Not for the last time

I am denied
Bloodied and disillusioned
Why does love hurt?

Curses

Dark Melbourne streets held an extra chill this Easter, and I jumped as the door to the apartment block slammed shut behind me. Ever since I’d be working on this exhibit, I’d been jumpy. Tutankhamun was in our museum. And every single gold foiled Easter egg reminded me.

Now, I know that the stories of the curse associated with his tomb were phooey. After all, Howard Carter lived such a long time after he was in that tomb. But dead bodies made the museum feel eerie, and I resented the masses who came to boggle at the body of a boy.

It didn’t help that the curator had died suddenly from an aneursym, working late one night in the office, her pyramid paperweight lying askew on the ground. I had never seen her face so white, which they told me was just the paleness of death. I knew differently.

As her assistant, I was nominated to head to her home, where she lived alone. No children, a niece in Queensland who could not come and settle her affairs until next week. And she had a file the administrator needed. So here I was, in this old dark, creepy building in a dead woman’s apartment.

The elevator creaked ominously and smelled that aged, neglected smell of old buildings. On the 4th floor, I headed to apartment 7, the auspicious Egyptian number. Opening up the door, I was bombarded by the smell of antiquities.

Walking into the hallway, I noticed the old fashioned cane in the umbrella stand, the lilies on the table. It was beautiful appointed, everything in its place. I walked straight into her office, to her desk, where the manila folder was closed neatly. A stone scarab rested in front of an old photograph. I looked closer and recognised a young girl, resting on the lap of a man who could be her grandfather. Looking closer, I recognised the features. It was Lord Canarvon, the financier of the opening of Tutankhamun’s tomb. I recognised him from the photographs in the exhibition.

It must have been the curator’s mother. She was too young. But I could imagine Anne, the great-granddaughter of the famous backer, being enchanted by her family, pointing out the amazing discovery that happened all because of her great-grandfather. I smiled at the history, and wondered if anyone knew.

The window was open slightly and I went to look out over the park at the back of the building. A shooting star made me smile, until I realised it was headed straight at me! I squealed and dropped to the floor, as it sailed over my head. I turned around and found a flaming arrow, buried in the carpet. It started to shower on to the carpet and singe. I leapt up and grabbed the lilies, tipping them over the arrow, to stop the flames which spluttered out. I saw a little papyrus attached to the arrow.

That was it. I was out. I grabbed my file and ran, ringing the administrator and squealing the story out down the line. The door on the building almost hit me on the way out.

As I rounded the corner to my car, I saw a boy in a dark robe duck around the corner, near black eyes sparkling as he threw a dark smile my way.

My keys jangled loudly as I tried and failed to put the keys in the ignition. This was going to be one long exhibition.

Little piece of whole

I wrote the last notes in a book, lit by the unromantic light of electric lantern sitting on the edge of the camping table. This was it. The divorce papers sat on the table, glaring up at me, golden in the circle of light.

She and I had travelled the world together. Camping in many places across the world, making love in a thin-walled tent in the flickering of the campfire. At home, we’d lain in each others arms, reading books or playing on our phones in the evening. Every memory, I associated with a glow. She had been my sun, my moon.

Perhaps that was where we had gone wrong. Put too much upon each other. I expected to be her everything and expected her to be mine. But there had been too much pressure and we had caved when our foundation had shifted.

I remembered when we were pregnant… As if I had done more than a 5 second job in the whole process. The gentle swell of her belly and the paternal pride that swelled dually in me. With every day she’d become incandescent, so much more beautiful than before. I could not have been more enchanted.

Until that night. She’d woken up in a panic, and I could do nothing to calm her. I had not listened. I had doubted. After an hour, I had taken her to the hospital, where the doctor had placed his stethascope on the round mount of her stomach. And then the ultrasound. With their words, her lumiscence was snuffed out.

I could not understand, I was not enough, could never fix it. From tears, to shouting, to shutting out. All I remembered was the tiny rosebuds we’d put on her coffin, comically small in my grief, before she was cremated. Our tiny doll, the beautiful gift that had been taken away. She could not look at me.

We’d been apart for 2 years now. Eventually, I’d realised she wasn’t going to come back. We’d done the responsible thing, started the process of separating our lives from one another. It unwound the strands of the fragile life I’d knitted together. Time meant nothing to me. I lost my job. The house was leased, until we were ready to sell.

There was nothing left of the life I loved. When the last of the papers came, I sobbed. There was nothing but pieces. I gathered them and fled to the last spot I felt whole. I went to the place where she and I had gotten together.

I had wept and sobbed, railed against the universe, yelled and screamed. Let it out. And then I took up a pen and wrote. Words poured out of me. Eventually the anger lapsed and the grief started.

Beyond the tears, the joy surfaced, at her conception. My wife, everything we had meant to each other. The simple joy of her head on my chest and her snoring there. A strand of her hair on my skin, the scent of her perfume. The rush when she smiled at me, eyes shining with joy. I could barely breathe with the memory of our lovemaking, in the gentle rays of the morning.

I had written our story then, as a letter for our daughter who never got a chance to be. It was apologies and stories and hope for her soul. It was a love letter to my wife who I had loved more than the sun.

And I finished, and sat surrounded by the darkness. Silent and still. For the first time in a long time I felt empty of it all.

Headlights wound up the hill to the campsite. I wondered who would come to this place in the dead of night. The car stopped right at my campsite and the light died. I could not see past the circle cast by the lamp. A woman got out of the car. Even in the shadow I recognised her.

My wife. She came close, but stood in the shadow, but I could see the sparkle of the stars in eyes filled with tears. She stood silently crying, looking at me.

In a hoarse voice, she simply said, “I can’t.”

I stood, knowing not what would happen next, and took her in my arms. And together we cried, grasping to each other as one would a life raft. And with that small gesture, I felt a little piece of my whole.